The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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