If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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