Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
