The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
