Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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