Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
