Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
