oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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