Can i not drive my cunt home
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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