i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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