if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
