Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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