I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish you could order shots online.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
