somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
