i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize