What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
