did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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