My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Welp...herpes.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
