I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
