apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
