God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
