nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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