I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize