dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm like, not good at living.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
