He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
