Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
