Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
