My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
