If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
