Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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