Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize