She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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