And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize