Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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