stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
