8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize