just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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