96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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