peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
