I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
