I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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