It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
