So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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