Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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