Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize