i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
