he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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