I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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