I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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