I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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