I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
