The maid of honor just puked.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
