I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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