Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
