UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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