What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
