So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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